Been trying, for a long time, to hide from myself. I know the….well…I don’t know shit.
….kind of freeing just writing that out on a board.
Seeing it look back at you moments after you wrote it.
I don’t know shit.
But I feel.
And that’s terrifying.
What do I feel?
I feel the regulars, despair, fruitlessness, depravity, senselessness, hopelessness,
All the drunken roads I’ve gone down a thousand times over
I should have been in a circus.
How pathetic that you figure it out now.
Everything that you fought so hard to be “better than” ended up being everything that suited you just fine from the get go.
If someone had just taken the time to notice it initially.
But now you’re listening.
So who are you?
What direction do we go from here?
Because you know what you’ve been doing to yourself.
And you know what you could do if you turned it around right now and started pushing towards one goal.
But that would mean throwing away all of the things that you found identity in for all those years.
Are you ready to do that now?
That’s where I found myself before.
I need to get out of the darkness and stand in the light.
No distractions, no rituals, no bullshit.
Let the light go through each molecule and threaten to expose even the slightest vulnerabilities.
You’ve written a thousand shitty “suicide” songs in this exact position,
The least you can do is humor yourself right now.
Everyones a little insane, right?
And when you accept and learn from is when you find yourself.
Because what if what we call insanity is just the most extreme outward expressions of who we are at our most vulnerable.
And accepting that is the source of all sanity.